"unnamed"

He stood there,,, staring longingly ,,,and yet not seeing,,, walking slowly without moving,,, searching for what he seemed to have unwillingly left behind,,, looking deeply into my eyes in which answers reflected he hopes to find,,,
Standing there so obviously shattered,,, so bewildered and lost,,, with his messed up hair,,, and mismatched choice of wear,,, his posture flailing,,, and his bleak and empty eyes darting back and forth ,,, his hands hanging loosely,,, his bare feet unable to move,,,, unable to shed those tears blocking his views,,, not trusting his voice ,,,, not trusting his words,,,, not trusting himself,,, unable to open his broken heart to share,,,
He looks at me,,, so unswervingly ,,, with grave sadness,,, with frustrated anger,,, choking temper,,, with quick and painful flashes of love and hate,,, of forgiveness and damning,,, of prayers and cursing,,, Looking like a man whose wings were broken by the wind,,,, like a sailor whose ship has sunk far and low,,, like a soldier who a friend to war has lost,,,, like a broken man who is losing against death,,, painful and slow,,, like a man whose hurt , pain, grief and loss goes beyond borders and confines,,, like a man whose world was blackened out of colour,,, a world once filled with beautiful songs and rhymes,,,
He spares me one last look,,, filled with disgust,,,, with self revulsion,,, with anger at the world that has cheated him out of happiness and trust,,,, he shakes his head,,, letting out an ugly cry,,, something between a painful scream and a sadistic laugh,,,, and then he turns,,,, he turns away,,, leaving me behind,,, walking slowly up that broken path,,,,
I shake,,,, I cry,,, I try to reach him and yet my strides won’t reach,,, restraining myself from calling after him ,,, from hurting him more ,,, when there is nothing left of him,,, how would he hear,,, when his heart had been torn by hurt,,, and his sight has been blinded by grief and fear....?
So I let him go,,,, and I watch a part of myself go and break along him,,, crawling back into my cave,,, into the shadow i reside and wait,,,, wait for endless nights and days,,, wait until all I can hear is that mans pain and his agonizing grief,,,, I wait until I hear her approaching me with her soft,,, careful ,,, quiet steps,,, wait until i can see her frail look,,, her paled complexion and her weakened soul,,,, wait until I can see how fragile she has become,,, wait until she steps forward shyly,,, damaged,,, shattered like a doll of china,,, until she sinks to the ground burying her face into those bony hands and starts to sob those heart wrenching tears mixed with words of anger,, of sadness,,, of anguish,,, of misery,,,
Wait until she screams,,, until she hits and slaps,,, until she kicks and crawls,,, until she loses all power and lies there with her shaking body to the ground,,,, and her bared soul to me,,, until she whispers about the injustice,,, about the loss,,, about the world that had cheated them apart,,, about the people who had separated her from her beloved,,, about his turning away ,,, about his leaving without a fight,,, about her lonely nights and empty days,,, about her dead trust,,, about her broken hope,,, about her shattered dreams ,,, about that hole inside her chest that makes long for death,,, for stillness for serenity,,, she whispers until even those sounds have no more energy to ring,,, until the pleas die away,,, and her sobs residue to streams falling down those dimpled cheeks,,,,
That’s when i remember her ,,,, that girl who used to dance and laugh,,, who used to sing and scream,,, that girl who about her beloved pages used to write,,,, him,,, that man once so fiercely built,,, that man once so filled with joy,,, with care,,, with pride,,, with love and tenderness for her,,, that’s when i remember them strolling down hand in hand,,, whispering to each other,,, smiling,,, laughing about the secrets they used to share,,,,
That’s when i cry,,,, out of hurt and grief for them,,, out of sadness for their past and fear for their future,,, how did they become like this i wonder,,, how did they become shadows of the perfect company i used to enjoy,,, and why are this once so happily grounded lovers burdening me,,,, why are they sharing pain ,,, grief and misery where no more i am able to bear,,,, why i wonder do people broken and damaged visit me,,,, don’t they know that there is no one shattered or damaged more than this aged ,,, battered ,,, forgotten,,, forlorn and empty sea....?

nasim mourtada 01.february.2011

My Moon

A soft darkness engulfing the morning skies,,,, dusk filling empty bus stops, forlorn streets, wind grazed houses and closed window blinds... surrounding people in a sleep of unawareness and dreamful bliss,,,, making them problems of the daylight forget , but also the morning sounds,,, the smile of the yawning moon,,, the singing ,,, motivated birds and slowly lightening windows miss,,,,

Peace filling everything with morning glory and tranquillity,,, melodies of thankfulness and prayers muttered in the wake of sleep,,, coldness breaking its sleeping icy frost,,, Gardens waking their flowers,,, their roses ,,, their soil hidden so deep underneath the dreaming ground,,, parks opening their gates,,, rain evaporated by rays of light,,, wakefulness alerting a new day to come,,, alarm clocks ringing for some like serene signalling a renewed day of bitterness and pain they cannot fight,,,, while for other the singing bells hold a promise of hope,, of happiness ,,,of the things that will or might,,,,

Gray fog,,, finishing off his last misty morning breath, signalling for his hidden cloak towards a new destination ,,, a different place to be,,, seas awaking their dozing,,, resting waves,,,, oceans welcoming Fishers, Swimmers ,,, Divers into their slowly lightening ,,,, gradually warming dwelling,,, inviting the to their magical existence,,, into a life where living is a blessing and waters are a magical mystery,,,,

The realization of a new morning,,,, a fresh beginning and a new-fangled chance,,, making it hard not to sit here and wonder,,,, not to stare and be mesmerized,,,, not to watch,,, smile and shake the head,,, to wish all those long lost useless moments to amend,,, impossible to look at that irony filled smile directed to me from that tough arrogant, strong- willed and breathtaking moon,,, without feeling the strong pull tugging along our hearts,,,, without sensing the need for thankful morning prayers,,, without laughing about oneself ,, about one’s mind,,, about every well learned mistake ,,,humans could possibly in this huge ,,, boundary less world search for and find,,,,Without the realization of new hopes, dreams and renewed strength,,, reaching us day after day ,,,, and night after night,,, without the realization that everything will shift,,, alter and change,,, no matter how hard we might do this fight,,,

I gaze out,,, wishing ,,, yearning to float up and graze those receding clouds,, desiring to be part of this epic mystery,,, of this all consuming reality,,, craving to be an upbeat, hopeful miniature in this world peaceful at dusk and dark,, and yet at light so utterly mean spirited,,, politically driven,,, an image of loss,,,, unjust,,, hurt and broken instability...

I touch the window glass warming along the receding mist,,, welcoming rays of the sun i usually prefer over my beloved moon,,,, i look out and wish he could stay a little longer,,, i wish he would wait for me to become a little wiser,,, a little happier ,,, a little stronger,,,

I close my eyes unable to see his departure,,, unable to say goodbye,,, although i know his visit will be soon,,, sooner than tragedy of the day will have been able to prevail,,, and yet in seeing him off,,, knowing he will be shining for someone else so far away i do miserably fail,,,, so i close my eyes,,, i hum my melody and when i open them again,,, its only because the sun is stinging my face,,, telling me to move,,, to stop reminiscing and to go along my day,,, so i smile,,, knowing that when he is gone she is my lady ,,, my smiling follower and ironic remedy,,, i turn and i start my day,,,, all the while thinking about the calm ,,, the tranquillity ,,, the serenity dusk will bring me soon,,,, thinking about your coming home,,, my hopeless,,, undemanding,,,, serene and shiny love,,,, my Moon....

...look and see,,,

Look into the river,,, look into the lake,,, look into the faces into the window glasses passing you by,,, into the mirror,,, at the reflection staring back at you,,,, what do you see? What can you glimpse..? Can you see further than that nod ,,, further than those enquiring brows,,, further than those pools filled with secrets,,,, further than those smiling eyes,,, that held in breath?

Can’t you see your face reflecting a book filled with chapters no one else but you can read,,, don’t you realize that along those lines marked by change and age,,, in you there is a growing need? A need to understand,,, a need to appreciate,,, a need to marvel,,, to wonder ,,, to stop,,, to stare ,,, to drop all coats of pretence,,,

Don’t you see,,, don’t you understand what you willingly do,,,? Will you keep pretending that its unintentional,,, that you have no clue,,,, will you never stop inflicting hurt upon yourself,,, or is it that you the pain and misery surrounding it, love and enjoy more than the person in your heart you behold and woo?

Why is that you always choose that,,, that you will need to give up one day,,,, why is that you always go for them who you know will depart ,,, will leave and deeply hurt you may,,, why is that you always choose to run from them ,,,, who everything up for you would give,,, why is that you hurt them instead of realizing that a happy life with them you might be able to live,,,

Why do you keep running from everything that is too real,,, to close to precious to your heart,,,, why do you choose to stay away from those who might un-riddle that secretly hidden book deep down you do with fire and ice so closely guard?

Why do you keep pushing those away who deeply care,,, is it your fear of hurting yourself or hurting them more,,, what is it you are running from,,,, and what is it you are escaping for? Is that why you avoid that mirror so often every day,,,, is that why you are so quiet so aloof ,,, is that why with your smiles and laughs your happiness you always try to proof?

Is that why you excel at taking care of others and yet won’t let anyone come to close to you? Is that why your bests friends are the wind,,, the rain ,,, the darkening night,,,,, is that why while looking into your eyes a simple smile is all what one can see,,,, is that why you quickly turn away,,, laugh it off,,, finding other things to say and do,,, is that why you joke,,, run,,, dance and sing,,, is it because to look deeply,,, to look closely,,, you fear someone might see,,, someone might understand,,, someone might more to you discover and find,,,????

Is that my dear why you live in a world secluded by another earth? Is that why for you everything has meaning,,, everything has souls,,,, everything has million different worth’s? Is that why you brain tease and puzzle everyone around without meaning to,,, without actually having a clue,,, is that why every time I look at you,,,, I nod,,, smile and wonder “who are you”...?



23.01.2011






mind

To the sound of silence,,, into the far distance of a lost path resembling a labyrinth filled with stillness and awe,,, Into a space of nothingness ,,, of oblivion,,, towards a fantasy of translucent light, where darkness has colour and silence a painting of soft melodies and rimes,,,, To a place mysterious and unknown to human kind,,, towards a rainbow of deserted islands and shores, veiled secretly in the shadows of overlooked freedom impossible for any of them to find,,,
To a destiny unidentified and yet so safe,,, so lucid and clear,,, towards a coast where ships don’t sail,,, where loneliness doesn’t matter,,, and seclusion doesn’t affect,,, where the sun shines for only us,,, you and me,,, where the moon is the judge,,, so wise and fair,,,, where jasmine scents rule and hold the air,,, where stars don’t whisper,,, don’t blame,,, don’t doom,,, and twilight frees us from obscurity,,, dimness and gloom,,, To a place where the sea smiles,,, embraces and hugs us tight,,, and the sand around us dances ,,, a dance of love,,, of warmth ,,,of everlasting light,,, Let me take you to a vicinity where no one can judge or ridicule your thoughts,,, where no one ever questions or tries to understand,,, where nature surrounds us like a duvet,,,, like a shield and cover,,, accompany me to a dwelling that no one could ever reach,,, where words do not exist,,, and tears do not burn,,, do not leave traces of salt behind,,, take me on this journey into breaking dawn,,, allow me to be for always happily lost and forlorn,,,, permit me to vanish and never be found,,,, accept my every scar,,, my every wound,,, be there with me my saviour ,,, my ally,,, my mate in souls,,, be my improved perception ,,, my uncomplicated reflection,,, be my one and only understanding friend,,, be there to wake me from my dreams harbouring aptness and perfection,,,, be there to let me drown and dive,,, be my instinct,,, my impulse,,, my intuition,,,, be the urge for me to survive,,, be the one to help me deeply loose and find,,,,, be with me along it all,,, my precious,,, strange ,,, outlandish MIND....

06.september.2010

When You left...

Everything once so complete,,,, so fulfilled so accomplished shattered, broke and splintered when you left,,, When you left,,,, the clouds once so light and clear,, darkened and closed around the sun suffocating its rays,,, the ground once so even,,, fell away,,, the life once so meaningful turned upside down,,, and the time once identified by beautiful memories ,,,, suddenly stood still,,, Everything was suddenly brought to a halt,,, When you left,,, the importance of life was suddenly lost,,, the meaning and act of living perished,,, the need for movement vanished and the want for breathing evaporated,,, A hole,,,, something wider ,,,, bigger ,,,, and deeper than a crack,,, that’s what your absence punched into my chest,,, into my heart,,, into my soul,,, engraved into my blood,,,, a vast and empty void of sorrow,,,, of grief,,,, of loss , anger, pain, loneliness and disbelief,,,, Death of meaning ,,, demise of hope,,, bereavement of simple acts as understanding,,, as thinking,,, as moving,,, or speaking,,, or even breathing,,,, as if with every breath the hole only gets deeper and darker,,, and much more powerful,,, draining out more and more energy,,,, energy i do not seem to own to begin with,,,, You left,,,, still not believable,,, you left,,,, and when you left you left behind you a broken shore,,, an empty and deserted coast,,, a forlorn cracked rock,,, a shattered house caving in on itself haunted by soulless cold and defeated ghosts,,, you left a shadow of worthlessness,,, a silhouette filled with nothing but despair,,, a fading shape beaten out of spirit,,, burying itself in the sand,,, swaying along the harsh wind of the sea,,, you left behind an image of a person dead and yet alive,,,, a self unable to talk,,,, to think,,, to move,,, to even feel,,, a figure as cold as marble unable to cry ,,,, unable to scream,,, void of all emotions,,,, void of everything,,,, aware of nothing but the haunting dark foggy like numbness,,, unable to see colours or hear sounds,,, not capable of differentiating between dark and light,,,, between day and night,,,, unaware of anything besides the hot burning fire slicing through that empty hole of a chest only to stop seconds before the actual hit,,, to stare me right into my empty eyes and swallow me whole,,,, fire,,, blaze,,, burning,,, and yet there is no other pain than the needles penetrating my skin,,,, my veins,,, my blood,,, screaming “he left,,,, he left,,, he left,,,”
They correct me,,, they say you had no choice,,, they say you didn’t leave,,,, they say you were taken,,, but in the end its all the same,,, because you left,,, you left,,, and when you did ,,, you took away my strengths,,, my hope,,, my dreams,,, my trust,,,, my faith,,,, my beliefs,,, you took away things i didn’t know i possessed,,, you took away my will,,, my power to live,,, to smile,,, to walk ,,, to sleep,,, to wake up,,, why would i want to wake up when it seems such a painful thing to do,,,, why am i forced to wake to the same continuing and daunting existence of nothingness,,,, what is existence without you in any case,,, You left,,,, and along you there,,, many things indeed did leave,,, you took away the meaning of Meaning,,, the understanding of continuation,,, the importance of voices,,, of faces,,, the love and care for people ,,,but how can there be any love for anyone else,,, when you are not there anymore,,, how can there be such a concept when its not you in it,,,, you took away the ground from underneath my feet ,,, and the sky from above my head,,, you took along everything to the left and to the right,,, everything above and under,,, and dropped me like pantomime,,, with no strings to pull me back upright,,,, or hold me save,,,, when you left there ceased to be a place,,,, and yet you left,,,, How could you have just left and left me behind,,, how could you have gone,,, and not taken me with you,,, didn’t you promise that we are one balanced in two,,, how come then that without you Im less than half ,,, less than dead,,, less than anyone could ever be,,, how could you have just sliced me in two, taking a part that was already yours,,, and leaving behind a part that has always belonged to you,,, how could you have left me here,,,, where is here anyway? Who did you leave me to,,,, Did you leave me to drown into a sea of tears I’m unable to cry,,,, or to suffocate in the many breath I’m unable to take,,, why did you leave me here lying on this broken floor,,, why did you take away all warmth,,, all protection ,,,, all care,,, all meaning of who I was meant to be,,, don’t you know I ceased to exist for myself when I met you,,,, don’t you know that you were my home,, my identity,,, my saviour,,, my abode,,, my everything ,,,my spot on soul ,,,,so true ,,, how could you have left me less than broken,,, more than damaged,,, more than dead and yet far far less than alive,,,, how could you have gone and left me with no shield,,, with no shelter,,, no wish and prayer so loud and true,,, other than for mercy,,, for pity to let me break from the endless dawn,,, to follow,,, to leave,,,, to die,,,, and be with you,,,

Infatuation...

Who said we were so different,,, so unlike,,, you and me? Who said that we didn’t match, that we didn’t thrive,,, that we didn’t belong,,, that our separated paths weren’t entwined and didn’t cross,,, meet and go along,,,?
Who said that my sniffles of sadness and joy were unlike the tears that touch your hair,,, and crease your forehead,,, stream down your chin,,,, and expire on the gravel underneath your feet,,,, who said that we didn’t the days,,, the hours,,, the seasons in the same detached and isolated way salute and greet,,, who said that my nonchalance to existence couldn’t match up and coincide,,, couldn’t stay head to head and overrun your inflexibility and hardness to life,,, to nature,,, and your obduracy in the human being to trust and confide,,, Who said that i understood or fitted any more than you,,,, who said that i did belong,,,, that i did comprehend,,, that i could differentiate between the fake and the true,,,, who told you that i could laugh any louder,,, or sing any better,,, or smile any brighter,,,, who told you that i had a chance,,, a path,,, a clue,,,,, because i do not understand and will probably never do,,,
How ,,, you see,,, how can people misjudge your purpose,,, condemn and censure your abilities,,,, defying your splendour and serene tranquillity,,,, how can they not see the beauty hidden behind your eyelids,,, beyond the echo of your words,,, and the shadow of your retreating footprints,,, how can they not comprehend or understand my infatuation with your presence,,, my value of your smile,,,, and the significance of your tight embrace around me,,,,
How can individuals implying intelligence, knowledge and aptitude,,, be so scrupulously misguided, so narrow-minded as to not sense the power of your shield,,,, the scent of your armour,,, and the exquisiteness of your enchanting magic,,, how are they able to walk through you not seeing,,, not feeling ,,,, not becoming love addicts,,, how can they not be aware of you wrapping your arms around me like a ghost of warmth,,, full of compassion,,, of understanding,,,, of wisdom,,, of hands able to hide my tears to erase my fears,,, to wipe clean my mistakes,,, my sins,,, my past and present pain,,,, how can they not hear me whispering your name,,,, my voice buried in your chest,,,, how can they overhear my declaration of love for you,,,, for your existence,,, how can they look,,, but not see,,,, how can they declare me insane,,,, tell me then what is the gain of being human,,, of being so shallow,,, of being present with no abilities,,, no power,,, no motives for being or not being,,,, tell me how can one thought consume me day after day,,, hoping,,, wishing,,, praying,,, i was just like you my dearest love,,, a single drop of RAIN,,,

Morning Break

I’m staring out,,, down the road ,,,on the streets we are passing by,,, at the window shops that are still closed down,,, at the curtains that are still drawn shut,,, at everything that is slowly gliding by ,,, I’m staring out lost in the scene of morning routine,,, of uniforms,,, and suits,,, of smiling faces and moodily darkened visages,,, of cars being started and bicycles being locked,,, of parks being opened and Gardens being walked through ,,,,a blend of coffee being brewed and breakfast being served,,, I’m staring at nothing in particular and yet somehow it seems to be the beginning of everything,,, a fresh light,,,, a sleepy smile,,, a novel hope,,, maybe a new chance,,,, perhaps a new start,,,, as if the crack of dawn is bringing along a wind to turn the page,,, to twist the leaf,,, to dry the tears ,,, to hide the fears,,, and conceal the night’s still and silent choking grief,,,
I watch hopeful and eager children running across the road,,, their innocent faces lightened by the shining sun,,, not caring ,,, not concerned by the stressed and hassled commuters running towards the tube,,, missing the last bus and swearing out aloud,,,, I see ,,,I smile ,,, I turn away,,, and I wonder,,, I wonder how come everything has its time and place,,, I marvel at how close a distance we miss out on the things we really want,,,, and how we believe and pursue the wrong directions for years and years,,,, at how long it takes us to stand up and face our apprehensions,,, I look in amazement at how one persons biggest problems can seem absurd, insignificant and nonexistent to the rest of us,,, how come we don’t realize,,, how come we are so overtaken by our own troubles, dilemmas’ and own set scopes and dimensions,,,
I watch appreciating natures cycle without discovering anything new,,, without unleashing anything worth discussing or writing about,,, and yet somehow the world seems smaller,,, somehow the tiny details seem more important more relevant more related to everything and everyone,,, somehow strangers seem closer,,, and friends seem further away,,, somehow reality seems to merge with imagination and dreams,,, somehow and really only somehow ,,, our boring mornings seem worth the routine,,,, and our lives seem worth being not perfect,,,, not faultless and not pristine,,,