mind

To the sound of silence,,, into the far distance of a lost path resembling a labyrinth filled with stillness and awe,,, Into a space of nothingness ,,, of oblivion,,, towards a fantasy of translucent light, where darkness has colour and silence a painting of soft melodies and rimes,,,, To a place mysterious and unknown to human kind,,, towards a rainbow of deserted islands and shores, veiled secretly in the shadows of overlooked freedom impossible for any of them to find,,,
To a destiny unidentified and yet so safe,,, so lucid and clear,,, towards a coast where ships don’t sail,,, where loneliness doesn’t matter,,, and seclusion doesn’t affect,,, where the sun shines for only us,,, you and me,,, where the moon is the judge,,, so wise and fair,,,, where jasmine scents rule and hold the air,,, where stars don’t whisper,,, don’t blame,,, don’t doom,,, and twilight frees us from obscurity,,, dimness and gloom,,, To a place where the sea smiles,,, embraces and hugs us tight,,, and the sand around us dances ,,, a dance of love,,, of warmth ,,,of everlasting light,,, Let me take you to a vicinity where no one can judge or ridicule your thoughts,,, where no one ever questions or tries to understand,,, where nature surrounds us like a duvet,,,, like a shield and cover,,, accompany me to a dwelling that no one could ever reach,,, where words do not exist,,, and tears do not burn,,, do not leave traces of salt behind,,, take me on this journey into breaking dawn,,, allow me to be for always happily lost and forlorn,,,, permit me to vanish and never be found,,,, accept my every scar,,, my every wound,,, be there with me my saviour ,,, my ally,,, my mate in souls,,, be my improved perception ,,, my uncomplicated reflection,,, be my one and only understanding friend,,, be there to wake me from my dreams harbouring aptness and perfection,,,, be there to let me drown and dive,,, be my instinct,,, my impulse,,, my intuition,,,, be the urge for me to survive,,, be the one to help me deeply loose and find,,,,, be with me along it all,,, my precious,,, strange ,,, outlandish MIND....

06.september.2010

When You left...

Everything once so complete,,,, so fulfilled so accomplished shattered, broke and splintered when you left,,, When you left,,,, the clouds once so light and clear,, darkened and closed around the sun suffocating its rays,,, the ground once so even,,, fell away,,, the life once so meaningful turned upside down,,, and the time once identified by beautiful memories ,,,, suddenly stood still,,, Everything was suddenly brought to a halt,,, When you left,,, the importance of life was suddenly lost,,, the meaning and act of living perished,,, the need for movement vanished and the want for breathing evaporated,,, A hole,,,, something wider ,,,, bigger ,,,, and deeper than a crack,,, that’s what your absence punched into my chest,,, into my heart,,, into my soul,,, engraved into my blood,,,, a vast and empty void of sorrow,,,, of grief,,,, of loss , anger, pain, loneliness and disbelief,,,, Death of meaning ,,, demise of hope,,, bereavement of simple acts as understanding,,, as thinking,,, as moving,,, or speaking,,, or even breathing,,,, as if with every breath the hole only gets deeper and darker,,, and much more powerful,,, draining out more and more energy,,,, energy i do not seem to own to begin with,,,, You left,,,, still not believable,,, you left,,,, and when you left you left behind you a broken shore,,, an empty and deserted coast,,, a forlorn cracked rock,,, a shattered house caving in on itself haunted by soulless cold and defeated ghosts,,, you left a shadow of worthlessness,,, a silhouette filled with nothing but despair,,, a fading shape beaten out of spirit,,, burying itself in the sand,,, swaying along the harsh wind of the sea,,, you left behind an image of a person dead and yet alive,,,, a self unable to talk,,,, to think,,, to move,,, to even feel,,, a figure as cold as marble unable to cry ,,,, unable to scream,,, void of all emotions,,,, void of everything,,,, aware of nothing but the haunting dark foggy like numbness,,, unable to see colours or hear sounds,,, not capable of differentiating between dark and light,,,, between day and night,,,, unaware of anything besides the hot burning fire slicing through that empty hole of a chest only to stop seconds before the actual hit,,, to stare me right into my empty eyes and swallow me whole,,,, fire,,, blaze,,, burning,,, and yet there is no other pain than the needles penetrating my skin,,,, my veins,,, my blood,,, screaming “he left,,,, he left,,, he left,,,”
They correct me,,, they say you had no choice,,, they say you didn’t leave,,,, they say you were taken,,, but in the end its all the same,,, because you left,,, you left,,, and when you did ,,, you took away my strengths,,, my hope,,, my dreams,,, my trust,,,, my faith,,,, my beliefs,,, you took away things i didn’t know i possessed,,, you took away my will,,, my power to live,,, to smile,,, to walk ,,, to sleep,,, to wake up,,, why would i want to wake up when it seems such a painful thing to do,,,, why am i forced to wake to the same continuing and daunting existence of nothingness,,,, what is existence without you in any case,,, You left,,,, and along you there,,, many things indeed did leave,,, you took away the meaning of Meaning,,, the understanding of continuation,,, the importance of voices,,, of faces,,, the love and care for people ,,,but how can there be any love for anyone else,,, when you are not there anymore,,, how can there be such a concept when its not you in it,,,, you took away the ground from underneath my feet ,,, and the sky from above my head,,, you took along everything to the left and to the right,,, everything above and under,,, and dropped me like pantomime,,, with no strings to pull me back upright,,,, or hold me save,,,, when you left there ceased to be a place,,,, and yet you left,,,, How could you have just left and left me behind,,, how could you have gone,,, and not taken me with you,,, didn’t you promise that we are one balanced in two,,, how come then that without you Im less than half ,,, less than dead,,, less than anyone could ever be,,, how could you have just sliced me in two, taking a part that was already yours,,, and leaving behind a part that has always belonged to you,,, how could you have left me here,,,, where is here anyway? Who did you leave me to,,,, Did you leave me to drown into a sea of tears I’m unable to cry,,,, or to suffocate in the many breath I’m unable to take,,, why did you leave me here lying on this broken floor,,, why did you take away all warmth,,, all protection ,,,, all care,,, all meaning of who I was meant to be,,, don’t you know I ceased to exist for myself when I met you,,,, don’t you know that you were my home,, my identity,,, my saviour,,, my abode,,, my everything ,,,my spot on soul ,,,,so true ,,, how could you have left me less than broken,,, more than damaged,,, more than dead and yet far far less than alive,,,, how could you have gone and left me with no shield,,, with no shelter,,, no wish and prayer so loud and true,,, other than for mercy,,, for pity to let me break from the endless dawn,,, to follow,,, to leave,,,, to die,,,, and be with you,,,

Infatuation...

Who said we were so different,,, so unlike,,, you and me? Who said that we didn’t match, that we didn’t thrive,,, that we didn’t belong,,, that our separated paths weren’t entwined and didn’t cross,,, meet and go along,,,?
Who said that my sniffles of sadness and joy were unlike the tears that touch your hair,,, and crease your forehead,,, stream down your chin,,,, and expire on the gravel underneath your feet,,,, who said that we didn’t the days,,, the hours,,, the seasons in the same detached and isolated way salute and greet,,, who said that my nonchalance to existence couldn’t match up and coincide,,, couldn’t stay head to head and overrun your inflexibility and hardness to life,,, to nature,,, and your obduracy in the human being to trust and confide,,, Who said that i understood or fitted any more than you,,,, who said that i did belong,,,, that i did comprehend,,, that i could differentiate between the fake and the true,,,, who told you that i could laugh any louder,,, or sing any better,,, or smile any brighter,,,, who told you that i had a chance,,, a path,,, a clue,,,,, because i do not understand and will probably never do,,,
How ,,, you see,,, how can people misjudge your purpose,,, condemn and censure your abilities,,,, defying your splendour and serene tranquillity,,,, how can they not see the beauty hidden behind your eyelids,,, beyond the echo of your words,,, and the shadow of your retreating footprints,,, how can they not comprehend or understand my infatuation with your presence,,, my value of your smile,,,, and the significance of your tight embrace around me,,,,
How can individuals implying intelligence, knowledge and aptitude,,, be so scrupulously misguided, so narrow-minded as to not sense the power of your shield,,,, the scent of your armour,,, and the exquisiteness of your enchanting magic,,, how are they able to walk through you not seeing,,, not feeling ,,,, not becoming love addicts,,, how can they not be aware of you wrapping your arms around me like a ghost of warmth,,, full of compassion,,, of understanding,,,, of wisdom,,, of hands able to hide my tears to erase my fears,,, to wipe clean my mistakes,,, my sins,,, my past and present pain,,,, how can they not hear me whispering your name,,,, my voice buried in your chest,,,, how can they overhear my declaration of love for you,,,, for your existence,,, how can they look,,, but not see,,,, how can they declare me insane,,,, tell me then what is the gain of being human,,, of being so shallow,,, of being present with no abilities,,, no power,,, no motives for being or not being,,,, tell me how can one thought consume me day after day,,, hoping,,, wishing,,, praying,,, i was just like you my dearest love,,, a single drop of RAIN,,,

Morning Break

I’m staring out,,, down the road ,,,on the streets we are passing by,,, at the window shops that are still closed down,,, at the curtains that are still drawn shut,,, at everything that is slowly gliding by ,,, I’m staring out lost in the scene of morning routine,,, of uniforms,,, and suits,,, of smiling faces and moodily darkened visages,,, of cars being started and bicycles being locked,,, of parks being opened and Gardens being walked through ,,,,a blend of coffee being brewed and breakfast being served,,, I’m staring at nothing in particular and yet somehow it seems to be the beginning of everything,,, a fresh light,,,, a sleepy smile,,, a novel hope,,, maybe a new chance,,,, perhaps a new start,,,, as if the crack of dawn is bringing along a wind to turn the page,,, to twist the leaf,,, to dry the tears ,,, to hide the fears,,, and conceal the night’s still and silent choking grief,,,
I watch hopeful and eager children running across the road,,, their innocent faces lightened by the shining sun,,, not caring ,,, not concerned by the stressed and hassled commuters running towards the tube,,, missing the last bus and swearing out aloud,,,, I see ,,,I smile ,,, I turn away,,, and I wonder,,, I wonder how come everything has its time and place,,, I marvel at how close a distance we miss out on the things we really want,,,, and how we believe and pursue the wrong directions for years and years,,,, at how long it takes us to stand up and face our apprehensions,,, I look in amazement at how one persons biggest problems can seem absurd, insignificant and nonexistent to the rest of us,,, how come we don’t realize,,, how come we are so overtaken by our own troubles, dilemmas’ and own set scopes and dimensions,,,
I watch appreciating natures cycle without discovering anything new,,, without unleashing anything worth discussing or writing about,,, and yet somehow the world seems smaller,,, somehow the tiny details seem more important more relevant more related to everything and everyone,,, somehow strangers seem closer,,, and friends seem further away,,, somehow reality seems to merge with imagination and dreams,,, somehow and really only somehow ,,, our boring mornings seem worth the routine,,,, and our lives seem worth being not perfect,,,, not faultless and not pristine,,,

Broken Shore,,,

Summer, a flavour of sun, warmth and long awaited breaks was supposed to arrive, and yet the rain hasn’t stopped its daily showers from visiting our parks, our streets,,, our cobs

Leaves meant to be swaying its dark Green colours,,, have been seen taken by the wind, falling to the grounds,,, their shade abandoning its skin and welcoming autumn into their strive,,,

Nights arriving late,,, believed to be the beholder of empty hearts, of loneliness and grief,,, of nonchalance and mischief,,,, are in truth high-priced magical hours framed by understanding , reason and clarity,,, long walks taken during the dark early morning hours along the harbour,,,, thought to be a pitiable and wretched attempt of such a futile and needless act as forgetting,,,, are in truth the guardian and keeper of the little safe kept hours of freedom,, of sanity and candour....

Life ,,, believed to be so unfair,,, so unmerited,,, so complicated and difficult,,, is in reality awfully misjudged and over credited,,,, it is in authenticity only as simple and straightforward as we set for it to be ,,,, as clear cut as we bond and agree to its authority.... human keep looking, wondering,,, asking why,,, how and what for,,,, searching for reasons they will not find,,,, seeking explanations that are not owed to them ,,, refusing to accept the fact that no matter how sad,,, how unjust,,, or how irrational its seems,,, no matter how thick your walls,,,, or high a fence around yourself you build,,,, things will always adjust,,, alter,,,, modify and change,,,,,

Phases of hurt and anger dissolve,,, chapters of happiness and glow melt away,,, friendships meant to last forever ,,, weaken and deteriorate,,, Loves expected to last for eternity,,, break ,,, die and fade astray,,, dreams are shattered , while new ambitions are created and fulfilled,,, people cry ,,, grief in misery and mourn for loved ones, while others laugh ,,, sing and dance to different rhythms’ and melodies,,, people leave,,,, while others enter this world with a scream of joy,,,, or is it sadness and anger too...?

All the while,,, seasons keep changing,,, the earth keeps moving and people keep growing,,, older,,,, wiser ,,,, more cynical and apart,,,, hours,,, days,,,, months ,,,, and years fly by,,,, marked only by secret diaries kept in our hearts,,,, recorded by memories of faces,,, places and adventures imprinted in our minds,,, proven by aging,,, colour fading lost photographs,,,,

And we wonder,,, do we get to do all the things one is supposed to do,,,, do we get to say all the words we know we were meant to say,,,, do we get to be with all the people we thought we would be with,,,, do we take every joyous or sad stricken ride this carousel called life urged us to take,,???

Sadly,,, strangely and unexpectedly amusingly ....no,,,, no,,,,, and no,,,,, for the reason that we discover this world is like a broken shore,,,, sometimes we drown in its high tides,,, sometimes we lose all that we ever wanted in its huge waves and turn around,,, swim back to the land,,,, that may not be designed to contain or fulfil our dreams and yet is simply undemanding and safer to inhabit,,,,, and sometimes,,,, we reach the other side ,,, we reach the land,,, we touch the sand we have always wanted, desired, yearned for and craved,,,, only to discover that it’s been long since forsaken,,, abandoned,,,, cast off and deserted......

heartbreak

Someone define heart break to me please...what is it?When are we allowed to say that our heart has been broken,,,,does it only count for those who are at the receiving end of a break up for example?Is it only them whose heart has actually been torn apart, who cried and went through the stages of denial, shock,sadness, anger, hurt, and pain, waking up every morning with that odd ache in their chest, not knowing what it was that was clamming down on them making it hard to breathe, making it hard to move and physically painful to speak or smile or even look....Are they the only people who hurt, when a relationship ends, are they allowed to take all the credit for being hurt?Are they allowed to direct all their anger and sadness on the other person,the person who took the initiative to end it in the first place?
Yes...?No....?Maybe....?But why, why cant anyone understand or see how painful it must be for a person to end a relationship with someone he or she cares about and loves, why doesnt anyone want to hear about it, not wanting to understand the reason, or feel compassion, or take some of the blame directed towards this human being that must be aching and hurting the same , if not even more...why doesnt anyone see that loss doesnt just happen one way around,,,its a wave that hits forward and backwards slapping and crashing both shores with equal measure,,, if thats true,,,,and logically it is,,,then why doesnt anyone want to accept that a person who breaks up with someone doesnt always have to be the bad guy, who took it all and left someones heart bleeding on the sidewalk?Why doesnt anyone recognize how hard it is to say such cruel words to someone you have shared history with, to someone you respect and love and care about, to someone you have spent all your energy, time, love, tears and memories on,,,why doesnt anyone understand that saying to someone you love "its over",is actually harder for the person saying it than the one receiving it, why hasnt anyone thought about how disgusted and nostalgic one feel with themselves when they see that look of shock ,,,of dissapointment,,,of betrayal,,,cross the face of someone they love and worship so much,,,,how that face closes up,,,and becomes a blank canvas outlined only by anger and sadness and hurt pride,,,sometimes even by hate,,,,all feelings of warmth,,,affection and love gone,,,,blown away,,,,Why doesnt anyone see that hurting someone you love is like putting a knife through your own flesh,,,,like lighting up a fire underneath you,,,,like throwing yourself of a bridge into a sea ,,,so deep and black and scary and unknown,,,that you shiver with fear,,,with shame,,,with guilt,,,,with hesitance....
Why hasnt anyone ever tried to see beyond those persons word,,,,beyond his or her firm face and undeterred expression,,,behind those cold words and that firm stand,,,,,behind those bleak eyes,,,,behind those thoughts that he or she holds on to believing "its better this way"or "its for the best that way"...why....why hasnt anyone tried to stop for a second to see that person uttering those words,,,,crumbling to the floor,,,shaking with anger and sadness and hurt and loss,,,,tears flowing down that face that moments ago was bleached from all expressions,,,why doesnt anyone stay long enough to realize that sometimes a person is forced to give up on something,,,someone, he or she really loves,,,whether,,,a best friend,,,, a soulmate... a love they might never see again,,,a second half they might never be able to replace,,,why doesnt anyone stay long enough to see that this person cant be left to feel hurt and loss and anger alone,,,,,this person has to deal with shadows of darkness,,,plaguing him and her for a long long time,,,,with unanswered questions such as how is she/he doing?Does he/she hate me now?Does she/ he think i was playing them?Is she/he going to ever forgive/forget me?All questions with no answers,,,,all fears without rays of light,,,,all feelings of shame and guilt and hurt and anger at oneself and others,,,,a sea of mixed feelings,,,of lonliness and confusion and unforgivable thoughts,,,,they hunt us ,,,break us,,,shatter our soules,,,,me and you,,,,and everyone who has once boken up with someone,,,or said "its over",,,,or has once looked into a mirror to see sad eyes staring back ,,,saying:YOU BROKE SOMEONES HEART!"

home...

Home?What is home?Is it the house that we are born into?In which we grow up,take our first steps,say our first talks and have our first tears or laughs?Is it the place in which our parents and siblings reside?Where our food is cooked for us, and our washing is cleaned and dried,is it where we play and fight with our sisters and brothers and where we can depend and put off our responsibilities and duties on the people who love and care about us?
If yes then why does it stop feeling like our real home the second we move out and away?Why do we grow out of our home the minute we move into our own bedsit, bedroom, flat share or even new apartment,why does the house which we were made to consider our home for years and years , suddenly become like a far away place which we visit from time to time ever now and then. A place which we still love, in which our memories, our past and our stories still reside and yet somehow it doesnt really feel like home anymore.Somehow it becomes our place of memory collections, more like museum in which our past reminices are collected and stored rather than our home.
We travel and grow up and change and learn to create, rent and buy our own places, our homes?So do we call them home?Even though we were used to call our parents house our home, does our own place then replace it?Does it become our home?
Somehow it does, because its a place into which we enter from point zero, a place that wasnt really a part of us even before we were born, it is place where we start fresh, bulid the beginning, and imprint our own personality and integrity,,,somehow what we bulid becomes our home, our lodge, our place to be,,,